Alright people. I know this is not the usual fare, but I would appreciate it if you laughed a little, so this is my attempt to get you to do that.

Hopefully it works.

Cause we all need a little laughter after the tears.

After rescuing the Princess’s ball and wooing her to distraction, the Frog Prince finally got the Princess to give in and say yes. So, the wedding preparations began.

It was quite the big affair. Never before had there been such an odd wedding. It wasn’t just culture bridges being gapped; it was two whole different species. There were reporters up the ying-yang trying to ask questions about the royal couple’s plans: where they would be living, if they were planning on any children, where they would be spending their honeymoon, yada, yada, yada, and all that boring stuff, as well as some other basic nosiness.

“Your highness, can you tell us how you managed to rescue the Princess’s ball, secure a marriage agreement, break the curse, and still make it home in time for dinner?” One old nosy coot demanded, shoving the microphone in the Prince’s face.

“It’s all in a good days work,” the Frog Prince replied haughtily.

And that settled that.

The wedding plans when off without a hitch (although the poor flower girl’s dress did catch on fire when one of the larger invited guests sneezed too hard. Luckily, this guest also had healing powers, but that was a little messy as it required blood).

“And do you, Princess, take this Frog Prince to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.” She smiled coyly and demurely at the man beaming down at her. Then she slipped the ring on his finger (or tried too. The ring kept getting stuck before it was all the way on. So, eventually, she just decided to leave it where it was and move on).

“Do you, Frog Prince, take this Princess to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” he croaked with a wide smile. His big clumsy hands attempted to slip the ring onto her finger, but the ring kept sticking to his fingers. It was rather embarrassing that to be shaking his hand (in an attempt to get the ring off his own hand) in front of the whole church, but eventually the ring made it all the way on to the Princess’ finger (stickiness and all), and that just left the kiss.

This proved to be another feat of victory for the Frog Prince. He was careful not to engulf half the Princess’s face with his big mouth and refrained from flicking out his tongue (lest she choke on it, as it was still a little over three foot long and tended to be a bit sticky).

So the Princess and the Frog Prince were married, and they lived happily ever after… or not…

As time went on, the Princess had grown tired of the Prince’s hopping about. She had also grown tired of his habit of eating flies, a habit which he seemed unable (or unwilling as the Princess suspected) to break. It had become rather embarrassing when they had company, and the royal Prince went about, constantly, flicking out his tongue.

After the incident where he laid a hot sticky tongue on the Grand duchess’ bursting bosom (which was trying to escape its miniscule covering), things really started to go downhill. (Though, it wasn’t his fault that the fly had decided to land there). The Princess also couldn’t stand to sleep in the same bed because of the smell. Every night she choked on the smell of musky swamp mold and rotting plants. That said nothing of bugs he let crawl around (after all, a man’s has to have his midnight snack).

The poor handsome Frog Prince, for his part, tried his best to please his wife, but a man can only take so much nagging before it preys upon his sanity. That says nothing of the little brat that seemed to have mysterious sprouted from no where (he never did quite figure that one out). It did not make matters any better when the brat was born with no tail, looking completely like its mother. The girl child was always complaining, always claiming there was a pea under her mattress or that the porridge was too hot or too cold. If it had been bad with one female about, it had only gotten worse with two.

So, finally, the Frog Prince went off to find a witch to turn him back into his natural frog self (he found he had rather enjoyed being a frog. Life as a frog was a lot less confusing. See The Frog Prince, Continued* for the rest of his story). He didn’t say so much as good-bye before he left (not that the Princess cared. “Good riddance!!” She said when she was informed of his disappearance).

And though the Princess looked at the Prince’s running off as a relief. It did cause some problems.

Their expensive living habits had long since depleted their treasure trove. (You were lucky if you could find a penny in the crack of the couch). The Princess had been forever getting facials, manicures, and fairy godmothers didn’t come cheap those days (they were in high demand, never mind the personal benefits they demanded). Froggy (as the Prince liked to be called) also had had to have his special things. His personal swamp in the back yard, complete with trees, lily pads, and other accessories, had been like a bunch of little pieces of art seamlessly put together (and thus cost just as much). It didn’t help matters that Froggy only had fairy dust and dragon flies with which to pay child support. The Princess’ parents were also no help. They had never approved of inter-specie marriages, so all they did was say “I told you so,” in the annoying way that parents do when they are right, yet again.

So the Princess was forced to immigrate to America with practically nothing. All she had was the cloths on her back and five magic beans which she had secured for her dear cow Betsy who had special powers of being able to jump over the moon. It was a sad, sad time.

Princess Jr. had to say good-bye to all her little playmates at school forever: Tom Thumb, Mary BoPeep, Jack Horner, Jack BeNimble, that little boy who’s always cries down the lane (although I think he was too busy crying to hear her), and little Miss Muffet (who was too busy screaming about spider world domination to pay any attention to anyone else). Princess jr always thought the Little boy down the lane and Miss Muffet would make a very nice couple, but alas, now she’d never get to play cupid.

Right now, she had to worry about these packing instructions. She read them to herself aloud again, to make sure she was following each step correctly. Mother was always so particular about everything being done right. “One, two, buckle your shoe. Three, four, shut the door. Five, six, pick up sticks…” and so on. (The instructions really didn’t make sense to her, but her present nanny, dear old Mother Goose, said this was how things were done).

Things just continued to get worse. It kind of reminded the Princess of a tale her queen mother use to tell about Grandpa Alexander, and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. When she went to find a boat to carry herself and her daughter to America, all she could find was the Coffee Cup. This incredibly small “boat” was piloted by three men who weren’t even captains, nor did they know anything about sailing: the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. It proved to be a rather wet and cozy voyage, but eventually they got to their destination.

After getting there, the Princess quickly learned that being royalty was something that was not held in high regard (or even really believable). So, she became like the peasants and took a job to support her daughter and herself. It was hard, but she finally found a job as a seamstress. The fancy embroidery skills her mother had taught her now came in handy. With a little guilt, she remembered what a difficult and resistant child she had been to sewing lessons. For that, she said a little prayer of repentance to her mother.

With her rather meager earnings, eventually, Princess made enough to start her own business, which prospered (again she said a little prayer, this time to thank her father for allowing her to learn how to invest and run a business). Because of her success, she was able to get her daughter the best English tutors, straight from England (wouldn’t want royalty dabbling with peasants, now would we). These lessons included, but were not limited to: how a proper lady should behave, how to address elders/superiors, proper etiquette, how to cook, how to run a household, etc.

All in all, Princess Jr. was able to lead a good life because of her mother’s sacrifices and now how, but still, she wasn’t happy. Day and night she would moan and groan about not having a boyfriend. After all, all the girls on TV had one. So she must have one too. She was 18, and never been kissed. This just was not acceptable. With this thought in mind, she started searching for a likely solution in the form of a male. But when one’s activities never take them further than the back yard, it is a rather difficult thing to do. Thus, she was plagued by endless loneliness and despair.

One day, after a particularly severe bout of loneliness, she decided to go out on a walk in the forest area behind her house. Being preoccupied, she didn’t realize how far she’d gone until wandered into a clearing that housed a big mansion. Completely awed by all she saw, Princess Jr. explored the premises, admiring the water falls and shaped shrubberies. She was too engrossed to notice the unusually large toad that started following her around.

The sun was now high up in the sky. She was hungry and thirsty. A walk around the property of the house revealed three separate pools of water. She went to the first pool and took a drink. It was very bitter. She quickly rushed to the second pool and began to gulp the water, but it proved to be too salty. Almost choking now, she made her way to the third pool, worrying that she would die of thirst. She was relieved, however, to find that it was just right. So she drank her fill. After her thirst was sated, she put her mind to the next task of finding food. Going back to where she’d seen some fruit trees, she inspected the first one she came to. It was an apple tree. The big juicy apples were the most beautiful apple she had ever seen. Her stomach grumbled, so she thought, why not. I’ll just pick an apple and eat it. So she did. Then, all of a sudden, she started to get sleepy.

“Oh great,” she thought to herself, “just great. I bet that was one of those poisonous apples Mum is always telling me to be weary of.” Groaning some more in her head, Princess Jr. went on. “Why, oh why, didn’t I listen to my mother.”

These thoughts that were flooding into her head eventually slowed to a trickle as deep sleep over took her. Soon, all thoughts stopped. The hallucinations began. It was the darnest thing. This hideous brown toad (at least she thought that’s what it was) hopped over to her. To clouded senses, it seemed like the toad was going to climb on top of her. She would have shuddered if she hadn’t been so sleepy. Her last memory was of this toad thing trying to give her mouth to mouth!

Princess Jr. moaned, turned over and threw-up the apple piece as she drifted back into consciousness.

“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe I’m still alive. How did I manage that?” In her perpetual pessimism, she wasn’t even sure that this was a good thing. “But wait just one minute! That toad… I could have sworn that… No… No, it was just my imagination. That couldn’t have been real.”

Princess Jr. started sit up. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been out, but she was sure that it had been quite a while as the sun wasn’t in the highest point of the sky anymore. It was the most particular dream she’d had too, first, eating an apple, then being kissed by a toad.

“No, no, don’t move, darling. You’re safe now. I’ll take care of you,” said a clearly masculine voice with a sultry air.

Startled, Princess Jr., jumped straight up. Horror stories about Little Red Riding Hood and being kidnapped by a cannibalistic man, named wolf, ran through her head.

“Women,” mumbled the voice with a faint sigh. “They are always complaining we don’t listen. I think they should try a bit of it themselves.” Then a little louder, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you. That would just defeat the purpose of having saved you.”

Princess Jr. looked around till she saw the owner of such a juicy voice. When she spotted the owner, her eyes bugged out of her head, and she quickly looked away. If anything, modesty was something that was never to be given up in these situations.

“What’s wrong? Is there something wrong with the way I look? Don’t I look good enough to be your savoir? Are my cloths not to your satisfaction? A stuck-up girl you are if that’s the case.”

Now a bit puzzled and confused, the girl peeked back at him again. But sure enough, it was as she had first assessed. He wasn’t wearing any cloths. Since she was never one to beat around the bush, she told him as much.

“Um, you’re not wearing anything.”

“Excuse me? What do you mean I’m not wearing anything? I had these cloths specially made. The tailors assured me that they used their finest cloth and did their best stitching. They measured me and everything. I paid good money for these,” was the arrogant response.

The Princess was trying her best not to laugh. I mean, after all, it is no laughing matter when there is a really naked, really hot stud (who is also as dumb as stud), standing in front of you, trying to act all dignified, despite the fact that he’s obviously been made a fool of (and doesn’t want to admit it).

“Um, well, ok. Thank you for rescuing me.” She struggled to keep her voice in check, ever the proper royal princess. “I’m, uh, sure my mother would just love to meet you and thank you for saving my life.” she suggested hopefully as a thought came to her (wouldn’t want to lose sight of such a silver opportunity for love). Er, and, um, since you must be cold. Here, you can wrap this towel around you. (Her original plan had been to find a nice spot to sun bath, and thus the towel).

The man, with a girl to set him straight (what would he ever have done without her), realized his foolishness (not that he would admit that to her though). So, he took the towel with all the dignity he had left and wrapped it around himself like an Egyptian prince.

“By the way,” he continued. “Don’t worry. You won’t get any warts from kissing me when I was a toad since I wasn’t really a toad in the first place. You should be honored to receive a Prince’s favored kiss.”

This stopped Princess Jr. up a moment. “You mean you were that Toad I dreamed about? It wasn’t just my dream? I really was kissed by a Toad… Well now, I say, wonders never cease.”

At the Prince’s revelation, Princess Jr.’s heart started beating even more wildly than it had before. This was a romance in the making. It reminded her of her mother’s own love story.

This is great. Mother will be so pleased.

“Well, I’ll see you another time. I should be getting home now. Mother will miss me if I’m not there when she come home from work.

With that, Princess Jr. started walking. She just stopped up short as she came to the forest. Realization stuck her... She couldn’t remember the way home.

“Would you require some more assistance, my sweet?” The same sultry voice said with amusement.

“Heh, that would be nice if you would be so kind,” replied Princess Jr. sweetly. “I can’t seem to remember which way I came.”

So, the two set off, and the Toad Prince had no trouble finding the way to Princess Jr.’s house (as Princes are born with an innate sense of direction).

Once back at the house, Princess Jr. played the proper hostess like she had been taught. She offered her guest refreshments and made sure he was comfortable. There wasn’t anything she could do about his lack of clothing, but this really didn’t bother her. She was quite entranced by his bulging muscles and highly pronounced six-pack. She was so entranced, in fact, that she did not hear her mother come home from work, until it was too late that is.

“What is the meaning of this?!”

Both the young people sitting rather close on the couch jumped up. The Toad Prince had to quickly catch the towel as it had come loose. They both tired to talk at once. Of course, this didn’t work.

The Toad prince straightened up a bit and continued on. “Your daughter almost choked and today. I saved her. She was also lost, so I escorted her home. She was just taking care of me as had gotten a chill. I was under a curse you see. It seems my neighbor girl was rather offended that I wouldn’t give her a kiss. She vowed that because I had rejected her on the basis of ugliness, I would be cursed with ugliness until someone should be kind enough to kiss me. I was only returning the favor as your daughter broke this curse.”

Princess Jr. grew a bit red at the Toad Prince’s confession. She wasn’t quite sure how her mother was going to take the news that her daughter had been spending time with a naked man, never mind kissing him.

The elderly Princess simply looked at the thoroughly embarrassed couple and smiled to herself. This was a golden opportunity. Even so, it had to be done right. Don’t want the prince getting away now. That just would not do.

Things only continued to get better from there.

“So, if you’re a prince, where’s all your treasure?” Princess Jr. wondered out loud.

“Hmm, well, I don’t have much money anymore, but you can have my first born child if you’d like. I would be more than willing to give it to you.”

Princess Jr. looked at him suspiciously. “You have kids…?”

“Nope,” the Toad Prince grinned with his to-die-for-features. “But you can have it anyway. It’ll be my treat, and I can make it yours as well.”

Princess Jr. wasn’t too sure about the intentions of this offer. But if it meant what she thought it meant, then things had to be done properly.

“Well, only if you give me your name first.”

And so Princess Jr. and the Toad Prince were married (her father was unable to attend the ceremony as he had remarried and couldn’t find anyone to watch all 110 of his children), and they lived happily ever after.

*Written by Jon Scieszka

Pieces scattered to the darkness

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